Saturday, November 5, 2011

Captain Charming- The Man Nurse

So I figured it was time to come back to you guys, even though I am not fully done with my I-JUST-WANT-TO-BE-NORMAL-AGAIN post surgery depression. This was my first surgery, so I'm still in the phase where I can use my recovery as an excuse to get out of things that I don't want to do. For awhile it was laundry. Thanks mom. Its pretty nifty. 

So today I was telling my sister for the first time about my scary man/cranky/rapist nurse from my post surgery blur and I realized... I forgot to tell my blog about him! (yes, I refer to my blog as a person. Don't judge me.) And the reason I wanted to tell you guys about him was because I was feeling a tad uncomfortable, and I just wanted to see if his behavior was normal. Okay, here it goes. 

So my mother, father, Kathy, and grandpa came to my surgery that day. Yes, when you are apart of my family you travel with a posse. Even if you don't want to. I had the worlds nicest people helping me get checked in, get an IV, and even help me to the bathroom. What sweethearts. Also, I didn't have to worry about anything weird happening during surgery because this wonderful woman introduced herself to me as "the woman who will sit with you just to make you feel comfortable knowing there is another female in the room". That was nice. She literally had a chair to sit in to make sure none of the all-male staff did anything I could sue them for later. I'm sure by now your thinking, "wow they covered all their bases, how did some weirdo bother you?" Well calm down. I'm getting there.

What I want you to remember through this whole paragraph is that I was drugged, like heavily drugged. It took hours/days for these memories to replay themselves. But I will start from when I woke up from surgery. If you ask my mom and dad, I woke up at about 10:30am. However, the first time I saw on the clock was 10:45 so I have a missing 15 minutes where I have no idea what happened. The first thing I remember was my dad telling me my dog came to visit, and I believed him. That's an example of how crazy I was. So basically what happened next set the tone for my whole post-op recovery, my lovely grandpa told my man-nurse that he caught him picking his nose. Not only did he tell him he witnessed his disgusting search for gold, he told all the woman nurses around us. Yeah, I know. My grandpa has no filter. So basically I had no chance. This guy hated my guts and wanted my whole family to leave. 

So within the minute I wake up, captain charming wants me to do leg exercises. ummm no? So instead of me doing them, he decided to pick my leg up and do them for me. Then, after this lovely experience I ask for drugs. I needed them. His response? "I already asked you if you wanted them and you said no" ummmmm... bring me the mother *&@(&#(@  drugs anyway. I don't think there's a time limit. So after he gave me a free bag of cheez its and a water the size of a sippy cup, he decided it was time for me to leave. Keep in mind by this point it was 10:52. I was awake for 7 minutes and it's time to leave. Good luck drugged girl, have fun in the real world. But this my friends, is not the end. This is actually the disturbing part. He proceeds to tell my mom, kathy, and family to go to the waiting room, and he closes the curtain and dresses me himself. No joke. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. I got a lousy 7 minutes, a few cheez its, and a baby cup of water and he gets to see me naked. That's the worst date I have ever been on, and I have been on some doozies. So after seeing all my goods, he puts me in a wheelchair and wheels me out some side door. When we get to the parking lot he starts getting cranky... asking "wheres your family?!?" and of course... he never told them I was leaving. Anyway... he puts my wheelchair in lock (what a sweetheart) and starts to walk inside (without me) to go get my family. Thankfully my grandpa saw me sitting out all lonely and drugged in the parking lot, so he met us out there. The captain charming decided I could probably handle getting into the car alone. :) 

Yes my friends, he is gonna make a lucky lady SO happy one day. 

So what I'm asking is, Is this normal? Cause I totally wrote about this on the entire back of the survey page. 
Feel free to let me know if I am just psycho. It wouldn't be the first time I've heard it. 

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